[BREAKING] Nike changes pronouns to swooshes

In a corporate first, NIKE, Inc. is making the progressive move of changing its pronouns to swooshes.

Instead of going by the more commonly used they, them, their pronouns when referring to a company or brand, Nike is insisting that it be referred to by the swoosh symbol.

In a statement to the press and bloggers the company said, "The swoosh symbol can be expressed in text via an emoji, rentable from our media center for $49.99 per week, or by simply typing the √ character."

Examples they prepared included:

• Nike has been accused of woke-washing √ brand by virtue-signalling alliance with oppressed African Americans whilst gleefully pulling the levers of capitalism to exploit factory workers in developing nations.
  

• Nike had failed to defend basketball team Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey, after he tweeted support of Hong Kong protesters earlier this month. √ are siding with China's Communist Party over freedom of speech in Hong Kong.
  

• √'s shoes provided athletes with an unfair advantage over their opponents and some critics considered it to be a form of mechanical doping.
  

• Research found workers were exposed to toxic isocyanates and other chemicals in footwear factories in Thailand but Nike have continually shifted responsibility to other brands after pointing out that √ can't be guilty because √ funded the paper.
  

• Inadequate regulation and monitoring make it hard to ensure that child labor is not being used in √ factories.
  

• Nike want √ employees to express themselves freely and be able to speak with √ HR department if they ever feel triggered or oppressed at work. √ will not tolerate a violation of the first amendment.

Media outlets in particular have been warned to adopt the swoosh or face legal action.