Our exclusive sit-down interview with one of the world's most influential people was recorded on film but the footage was mysteriously corrupted then wiped from our servers (Microsoft Azure, just saying) before we had a chance to publish it.
Luckily our reporter captured the audio on his phone and what follows is a verbatim transcript.
Interviewer: Mr. Gates I think we should cut straight to it: are you involved in a conspiracy to control the world via the coronavirus vaccine?
Bill Gates: I'm so bored of this question.
A yes or no, Mr. Gates.
Yes, yes. It's no secret.
So you admit it? The conspiracy theories are true then?
Yes, mostly.
And you're not ashamed to admit it?
Why should I be? No one will believe what you say, the mainstream media are in on it, they won't ever report this. You guys are too small to make a difference.
We may be small but there's a groundswell of evidence and videos online which explain your plan. The people are already talking about it. Surely it's a matter of time before you're exposed at the highest level?
I'm not worried, my plan is too grand for anyone important to take seriously. It sounds like a conspiracy theory so that's what it will stay.
All totalitarian dictators have expressed the same hubris before they faced will of the people.
I'm too rich and powerful. I have a global corporation and friends in the upper echelons. I'm much stronger than any dictator.
B-But you are trying to control the world's population? Agenda 2030?
Yep.
And eventually de-populate the world?
Correct.
Billions of people will die.
Yes. Actually a mixture of killing people off and sterilising a few continents.
Sterilise people via the coronavirus vaccine?
All vaccines but mostly that one.
Do the new vaccines contain nanobots?
They do.
And they will be activated by 5G towers?
That's right.
And some of these nanobots will attack the lungs and heart and make the death look natural?
Something like that. Oh, and also the brain but that's for mind control not slaughter. Let's face facts, there are too many people and finite resources on this planet so I'm saving Earth for a select few. You're welcome.
That is horrific. Have you no heart?
No, I am reptiloid. I have several organs but none of them resemble what's in your body.
You're a reptiloid, like an... alien?
Well, I started out human but I transitioned to reptilian alien, yes. My pronouns are mister/master.
How did that happen?
Well, after climbing to the top of the corporate ladder I was contacted by a secretive organisation and-
The Illuminati?
Yeah, it goes by various names. Anyway, they got in touch and revealed the truth of the world and who controls it. It was at this very moody ceremony actually, quite beautiful in a gothic way... I guess it looks Satanic to an outsider. I remember Jerry Seinfeld was there, it was his initiation too.
And they made you one of them, a reptiloid?
It was part of a package deal, you get immortality and a villa at the moon base too.
Did you have to pay for this?
Some cash, some infants, but mostly you have to sign over your human organs and soul.
Infants? Do you mean you have to provide The Illuminati with babies, dare I ask for what end?
Some of them are for the paedos, like Epstein. But mostly it's for the blood which is what we, reptiloids, need to survive.
You drink baby blood?
Drink and bathe in it. We need a lot to fill the communal pools.
Where are these communal pools?
You won't find them on Google maps, they are in the arctic. If you want to get specific they are on the inside of the planet because it's hollow, by the way. But access is via a cave at the top of the world... where Santa lives.
Santa Claus is real?
Well, that's what we call our guy there. It's an old joke. He's not your Santa he's another guy stationed there, our bouncer. I think they know each other, not sure.
I just - I just can't understand how you think you'll get away with this?
I use business principles. How would you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I actually did that once, literally, to test the hypothesis. I had it shipped into my office at Microsoft and i ate that fucker over three weeks.
The people will rise up and stop you from taking any more bites. Besides, you need workers even in your version of future, you can't kill us all.
Yes, true. We need people but only for menial jobs that even the AI robots don't want to do, so that's why we're bringing back socialism which also has the side-benefits of paranoia and snitching on your neighbour.
You are the - the ANTICHRIST!
No, no. I only earn that title if the plan is successful. There are so many others going for the same award that it's just nice to be nominated.
Who are the others?
So many really, I'm sure they won't be too embarrassed if I name drop here. We've got George Soros, obviously. He's been outed. So have the Rothschilds and Rockerfellers. I suppose you know about the Pope, Queen Elizabeth and Shaquille O'Neal. Less well known but definitely one of our top guys is David Blaine. Also, Mark Zuckerberg and the three B's: Bezos, Buffet and Bono. There's Bill & Hillary Clinton, Cristiano Ronaldo, Eminem, OJ Simpson, IBM's supercomputer: Watson. Greta Thunberg's always playing games on that thing. There are so many of us, let me think. There's uh... Rupert Murdoch (naturally), Xi Jinping, Michael Jackson (who faked his own death and came back as Jack Ma), Jim Carey and Joe Rogan etcetera, etcetera.
Joe Biden?
He applied but he couldn't even pass the first challenge.
What would that be?
Impress a woman, like this...
At this point, Bill's personal assistant clapped and handed him a flask of indiscriminate liquid which he downed. He then removed his clothes, grabbed his scaly penis with both hands and proceeded to jump over the chair repeatedly, refusing to answer any further questions.
If you or someone you know would like to apply for membership of the Illuminati, visit this page.