LEAKED: Durex to launch reversible condom to circumvent single-use plastic law
A prototype reversible condom was left at a bar by a forgetful Durex product engineer this weekend, forcing the company to confirm its latest line of ecologically friendly prophylactics.
The move coincides with, and is widely regarded as an attempt to circumvent, new single-use plastic laws being introduced this year.
The unnamed engineer left the condom in one of the bar's toilet stalls on Friday night, unused. The next morning, bar staff said he called in a panic to see if it was still there and that's when their suspicions were aroused.
CCTV footage showed the man flirting with upward of 20 women for over three hours before appearing to leave the premises alone with one hand in his pocket.
Lip reading technology revealed that the Durex employee used the same pick-up line on all his potential conquests: 'I'm wasted but the condom in my pocket doesn't have to be. Just joking... I'm already wearing it.' followed by the raise of an eyebrow.
Upon investigating, bar manager Jared Shukner, found the condom in packaging which described its innovation. "I've tried their whole range so this one immediately stuck out to me."
After posts and images were widely shared across social media, Durex confirmed the rumours and said it was taking disciplinary action.
"We are proceeding with disciplinary steps to ensure no future samples are removed from our labs. All product testing is, was and always will be conducted on our premises by Mr Durex himself, who oversees all human trials."
The company went on to express embarrassment but also used the opportunity to reaffirm its commitment to the environment, humanity's original sexual setting.
"The environment is as important to us as it is to all safe sexers.
We were the first to introduce a rugged outdoors range not to mention the popular beach-proof line which recognised our common craving to fuck in sand.
BUT we know that many of our condoms were thrown into the sea or choked seagulls eating garbage from landfills.
That's just not sexy so we've created a re-usable condom to cut waste in half!
The new Durex Double Dippers can be reversed after the first time and used immediately again with the same or different partner.
In fact, a Double Dipper can be worn for up to four hours before being reversed and used again.
Twice as good for you. Twice as good for the environment.
Our patented technology absorbs any STD's and unborn children and stores them in a middle layer, creating a pleasant lava lamp effect upon reuse.
The Double Dipper is perfect for a variety of occasions including orgies and affairs whilst also helping fight climate change.
Fuck Each Other. Not The Environment."
Markets reacted kindly to the news as Durex enjoyed a share price climax of $169.