President Trump today declared "merciless war with everything we've got" on a butterfly on the other side of of the world, a longtime instigator of hurricanes with the beat of its wings.
"Everybody knows this butterfly causes hurricanes here in America when it flaps its wings in China, okay," began the President. "Many many people are saying that the only way to deal with this individual is to use nuclear. We have the nuclear, tremendous nuclear. We are not afraid to use it. Believe me."
"Last night I instructed the air force to begin search and destroy operations on the butterfly. No more Mr Nice Guy, okay? I have repeatedly asked the butterfly community to bring this individual to us but no, they keep protecting him. Hiding him. Enough is enough. The people of America and Puerto Rico, you saw what happened to Puerto Rico right? Horrible. They have had enough and they deserve justice. And by the way, if he sends more hurricanes we can use nuclear on that too, okay?"
Following the declaration, the President saw a rise in his approval rating among his core supporters and received praise from both his Republican party and spiders.
Tension between the butterfly and President Trump have ramped up since he heard the popular chaos theory which ascribes the possibility of hurricane formation to the winged insect's careless lifestyle.
In a tweet from the first hurricane season during his tenure, Mr Trump said:
So sad to hear what this butterfly is doing. Bad hombre! China should deal with him and end hurricanes in the gulf & Atlantic.
Critics have branded the President's actions as 'crazy' and 'typical' highlighting the threat to his Mar-a-Lago resort as the only reason he's now prepared to do something about the inclement weather.
During the televised press briefing the President responded, "The fake news media are going to say that I hate butterflies, that I lock up their children, that I keep butterflies in little cages. Not true but that's okay. We will win! I have many many butterfly friends, they are fantastic people, really. Look at their numbers, highest butterfly employment of all time. The economy has never been better. Butterflies love me."
The elusive butterfly has not responded to questions but his attorney has suggested a meeting in neutral territory to begin talks on de-escalation.
Comments