In record time, the UK's Centre for Disease and Infection Prevention has fast-tracked human trials of a new, experimental 5G vaccine.
The CDIP is taking no chances on waiting for public sentiment to catch up with scientific conclusions on the risks of 5G. They are pushing ahead with the world's first human trials on a vaccine and therapy rumoured to involve foil condoms.
It said 79 brave individuals suffering from 5G, were randomly selected from areas of the country where they noticed suspicious new Chinese-made masts go up, within the last four weeks.
"As soon as we seen the new, white cell tower go up, yeah, the weather got much warmer and even the kids noticed. How do you explain that?" asked one of the self-diagnosed volunteers.
The volunteers will undergo a randomised trial with the vaccine which has already passed animal tests, the details of which are a state secret.
Extinction Rebellion has released what they believe the animals were treated with after jail-breaking ten of the pangolins out of the first trial.
"We found evidence of marmite and a credit card in the stool of these animals," said Dharma Karma (his protest name). "Also foil and about eleven condoms full of cocaine."
The CDIP denied any of these suggestions, also refuting claims of missing animals or that they conducted the trials in unmarked shipping containers in the Port of Liverpool.
This defensive response has only fueled speculation amongst 5G truth campaigners including Eamonn Holmes.
"Look, we're happy that we're getting closer to a working vaccine but what are we supposed to do in the meantime? We are recommending to anyone who cares to open their eyes to the truth that quarantine isn't enough. To stay insulated against 5G and protect our most at-risk flesh, men should carefully fold aluminium foil over their genitalia, and women, their breasts."
Speaking on behalf of the CDIP, Dr. Gordon Rampesh, expressed hope that a working vaccine would be ready for distribution by September.
"By mid-autumn, we could be back to normal life. We could technically bring it out sooner but, ironically, we'd have to switch on the 5G technology to speed up the process."
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