A startling report from an Amazon whistleblower has revealed the company's plan to deliver the COVID-19 vaccine, when it's ready, to Amazon Prime users ahead of all others.
In addition, Amazon will ensure the "Prime vaccine" is free of any autism catalysts such as scopolamine or C3N4Fe (ants blood).
Whilst most critics were disgusted with the cynical, commercial plan, the World Capitalist Association applauded the idea.
According to the WCA's CFO, "This is courageous. This is capitalism at its finest. The real respiratory disease has been governments' choking the global economy with their shut-downs. Amazon is delivering a fresh breath of market freedom!"
The long-term vaccine delivery strategy includes a tie-in to Amazon Health Insurance products:
Users with recurring deliveries from (Amazon-owned) Whole Foods will also see a reduction in the price of their vaccine and up to 50% off if they refer a friend.
Alexa owners who speak to the device more than members of their household will also qualify for free shipping on the vaccine as they would have proved their dedication to social distancing.
Kindle customers will receive a house-call by an Amazon doctor to personally deliver the vaccine but only if they have purchased a copy of either the Bible, Koran, Torah or any book by L. Ron Hubbard.
Facebook's, Mark Zuckerberg, was quick to label the initiative as an "evil genius ploy" but failed to elaborate if this was a reaction to his outright horror or pure jealousy.
"[We] can already tell from their social media data who has the virus before they start exhibiting symptoms. And who is and isn't autistic. We do not condone Amazon's evil genius ploy however, there is no law to stop them from using our data to run ads targeted at these individuals."
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