[LEAKED] Disney makes hostile takeover bid for Royal family brand

The Mouse is coming for Her Majesty, according to a Disney insider who has leaked documents purporting to show Disney's intentions to acquire the British royal family.

The company already has a stable full of what it considers "complimentary brands" like Marvel and Star Wars which also represent fantastical characters living unrealistic lifestyles.

"It's a no-brainer," says show business expert, Simon Cowell. "Their stock trade is fairy tales and what they're brilliant at doing is gobbling up an old fairy tale and rebranding it for the kids. That's how you milk these things for all they're worth. And who doesn't wanna milk the Queen?"

Showbiz mogul, Ryan Seacrest, chimed in, "They (the Royals) are Disney characters in everything but name, if you think about it. They ride around in carriages, they're accountable to no one and they never die."

The leaker expressed similar sentiments, "Walt Disney had a golden rule about the characters which the Royals seem to conform to: A character must be seen to do very important things and never mundane things. A Disney character never shits. He had that painted on every wall in his office."

The estimated takeover bid is a staggering $90 billion which many industry analysts say will be confusing for the Royals to contemplate since they have no idea what things cost.

Shareholders could expect big returns in a very short space of time, according to our leaker. "The Royals are a ready-made cast just gagging for a trilogy reboot series. It's so easy: we'd give the corgi dogs voices, we'd gender-switch some of the main characters (like the one with the ears), and introduce a few more underrepresented identities, you know a few more ginger Nazis. They're gagging for it, like, harder than all the princesses over their toilet bowls after a banquet."

The Walt Disney Company is expected to make a play for the Royal brand early next year, after Brexit, when their European allies are no longer obliged to save them.

"If they refuse to sell-out, Disney could go another route and sue for plagiarism," said the leaker. "Toy Story is the story of a wooden cowboy who causes chaos on the roads. Erm, hello, Prince Philip. We see you."