The original 2020 John Lewis Christmas advert was banned by Ofcom for its provocative imagery and music: an acoustic cover of Cardi B's, WAP (Wet Ass Pussy) by Ed Sheeran.
Many fans of the traditional ad - a British cultural institution and unofficial starting gun for Christmas shoppers - were left underwhelmed at the latest instalment.
Most detractors point to the brand's departure from their signature formula: emotion-driven narrative of a child / cuddly animal / cute monster on a transformational journey set to an introspective cover of a popular song.
We have received a leaked copy of the original John Lewis ad for 2020 which employed all these tropes and more, which, to this reviewer's mind, made it the best one yet.
Sadly the censors didn't see it the same way.
Original script:
Fade in from black.
(Music: Ed Sheeran plucks opening chords of WAP by Cardi B from his guitar.)
Day time. Living room of an upper middle class house.
We see a black cat lounging on the sofa lazily watching the news on TV.
(Ed: There's some whores in this house...)
Chinese scientists on the TV hold up vials and dead bats. Shot of construction work for an emergency hospital.
Front door opens and the family come rushing in, scaring the cat who jumps up and knocks over a vase which spills water all over her.
(Ed: Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy...)
Cut to next day in the living room and the family is gathered around the TV all wearing face masks except for the cat.
They are glued to the government briefing and ignoring the cute cat who is rubbing herself against their legs for attention.
(Ed: Put this pussy right in your face...)
She feels ignored so leaves to explore outside.
The slow, sombre music is contrasted by the image of people rushing around fearful, running into their homes with armfuls of toilet paper.
She watches wide-eyed in amazement.
The neighbour's 4x4 Range Rover narrowly misses her as it screeches up the drive-way.
(Ed: I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage...)
Night falls as we see a montage of the cat wandering the neighbourhood watching people burn 5G masts, clapping from their doorsteps and calling each other racists.
She goes back home but the cat flap is locked.
Looking through the window she sees a scrolling TV news headline: UK CAT IS FIRST PET INFECTED WITH COVID-19.
The family spot her, shut the blinds and rush to wash their hands.
The cat is visibly heartbroken. Eyes well up and ears lower.
Then it starts to rain.
(Ed: Now get your boots and your coat for this wet-ass pussy...)
She runs off into the night getting soaking wet.
(Ed: Now make it rain if you wanna see some wet-ass pussy...)
Cut to a long shot of a city street full of protesters in the rain. Hippies, teenagers with blue hair, anarchists.
The camera swings around to the other end of the street where a rival group of protesters carrying tiki torches, in broad daylight, is marching towards them.
Camera pans down and we see the frail, tatty cat. It's clear she's been living on the street for weeks. She doesn't have the energy to acknowledge the impending danger. She eats what looks like shit on the street. Since contracting coronavirus, her sense of smell and taste have gone so she keeps on chewing.
(Ed: I don't wanna spit, I wanna gulp, I wanna gag, I wanna choke...)
Just then she finds herself in the middle of a brawl as the two protest groups collide. We see her trying to dart between legs but gets kicked this way and that.
(Ed: Never lost a fight but I'm looking for a beating...)
The cat is down and bloody nosed and it looks as if a boot is about to stomp her lights out but it is blown off balance at the last moment.
More legs (and the people they're attached to) get blasted down and against the shop fronts they were previously trying to loot.
Zoom out: we see the police using water cannons on the people. No one is spared. Even Kendall Jenner, who approaches a cop with a Pepsi can peace offering, gets blown to smithereens.
The poor cat is not spared and gets shot down the street.
(Ed: Give me everything you got for this wet-ass pussy...)
The cat is drenched and dying in the gutter.
From her point of view we see a light at the end of a tunnel and familiar faces welcoming her: Chadwick Boseman, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Kobe Bryant, Maradona.
But the light starts to fade and she's pulled back into her body. James Bond is injecting her with the Pfizer vaccine.
She opens her eyes and sees the street adorned with Christmas lights. The fighting has stopped and shoppers are shaking hands.
Santa flies down in his sleigh and drops off an envelope of furlough money. James Bond climbs onto a reindeer and they fly off back to heaven.
Our cat can't quite believe her luck. She opens the envelope and starts eating the money when another wet, black cat yowls from around the corner.
The stranger cat drags a leftover Pret meal to our cat. They stare into each other's eyes like long lost lovers.
(Ed: That's some wet-ass pussy. Macaroni in a pot...)
Fade out to black.
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